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March Salon

*It seemed only appropriate to include a photo of “le penseur”, perhaps reflecting on his youth. ;)

As we head into spring, it seems only à propos that our March Mom Salon will explore our younger, more youthful (and rested!) days. We decided to ask ourselves the following questions about being 21-years-old (again). As “experienced”  thirty-something moms, we have learned a lot about life that we hope to pass onto other generations… and dare we say (*gulp!), our children. Please think about the questions below and read the articles we have posted to help you reflect on your early twenties.

What do you miss about being 21?

What are you glad is in your past?

Advice for somebody today or your 21-year-old self.

More advice for your early-twenties self.

21 Today
Millenials and Generation Y: How is life different from when we were 21?

Would you give yourself advice if you could travel back in time?

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Posted by admin on February 22, 2012 at 2:05 am in Articles. 0 people commented.

Making Intimate Relationships Last

January Salon

We have pulled together a few articles on our highly requested salon topic – making intimate relationships last. As always, these articles are not mandatory homework, but we hope that you will find some time (maybe during naptime or after the kids are sleeping?) to peruse our fine assortment of reading materials.

The Five Languages of Love
According to marriage counsellor Dr. Gary Chapman, each of us has a “love language”, a primary way of expressing and interpreting love. To complicate things, we tend to fall in love with someone who has a different love language. There’s a quiz to help you determine which of the five is your primary language. If you’re lucky, you may even be able to convince your partner to do it, too. (*We HIGHLY recommend completing the quiz mentioned here as it would make for a great starting point for our discussion.)

For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage
New York Times “Well” columnist Tara Parker-Pope’s most recent book explores what make a good marriage and the science behind this most intimate relationship. Read an excerpt from her book or take one of the many quizzes she offers on her site to see if your relationship is hot or cool, or find out how well you know your partner.

Talk Sex with Sue Johanson

Famous nurse and sex educator, Sue Johanson shares some useful tips to help couples listen empathetically to one another. Her article Communications & Couple Therapy offers basic communication skills to help spouses get through tough situations. The 81-year-old talk show host’s site also hosts some “interesting” sex-related articles, if you prefer to focus on the “intimate” side of the relationship.

Dr. Phil

Who better than Oprah’s favourite psychologist to give you advice on marriage do’s? In his article The Five Biggest Mistakes that Threaten Relationships he and his group of specialists give five simple tips that can help you and your partner stay connected and in love.

Happy Reading!

Mme J. and Mme B. xo

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Posted by admin on December 30, 2011 at 1:28 am in Uncategorized. 0 people commented.

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da

Life goes on. I find great comfort and great sadness in this sentiment. Six years ago my Dad died from a heart attack at 54. There were many unbearable moments that followed and many lessons I learned. To my surprise, having a song to keep me going was very helpful. The Beatles’ 1968 Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da became sort of a private anthem, but I didn’t choose it for my Dad. It’s sort of always been there.

Last year, I wrote about five years and five lessons I had learned about grieving. This year, I thought I’d offer up one more tip because the holidays can be especially difficult when you’ve lost a loved one.

I’ve had this song blaring in my head during uncomfortable times since I was about fourteen. A close friend confided that she had One Love by Bob Marley “play” when she was sad. Fourteen was a long time ago and I don’t recall whether I chose my song or it chose me. Either way, it stuck and it has been a faithful distraction during sad speeches, memorial services or unexpected moments of grief in waiting lines, public transit or parties.

If you don’t have such a song, I highly recommend one. I think my song is perfect because it is upbeat yet comforting. It tells me that I will get through this moment and there will be good moments in my life — simple, practical and beautiful ones like “…a home sweet home, with a couple of kids running in the yard…”

There are days while grieving when you think life will not, or should not go on. It seems cruel to wake up and the sun has the nerve to shine, the mail keeps arriving and the garbage needs to be taken out. Those little things can be painful, but they don’t compare to the audacity of parties, weddings and births. But they can be just as important in accepting that “life goes on”.

The meaning of the song has been important to me, but your coping song doesn’t have to be so literal. If you’re thinking of choosing one, or letting one choose you, I do have a few suggestions.

Don’t pick a favourite song of your loved one. I can promise you it will have the opposite effect. Music has been incredibly uplifting and healing for me, but certain songs will get me crying almost every time. The Beatles’ Rocky Raccoon was my Dad’s favourite, so it is completely off limits, though I did recently find a Lena Horne version that amused me because I’m sure he would have hated it.

Learn the words to your song and know the beat. If you’re relying on this song to get your mind back in the game, you’ll need to know the chorus at the very least. Stumbling on lines is an opportunity to slip back into your funk. Sometimes I never get past two or three lines looping, but that’s all I need.

Don’t try to sing it out loud. You can bend this one if you really love to sing, but I find trying to talk when I’m very upset gets the tears flowing. Singing is the same for me. The song works best if it’s more of soundtrack in your head or if you have the chance to play it in the car or at home.

Pick something simple or quirky. If you’re trying to make a lovely Jack Johnson ballad “the song” but Raffi’s Mr. Sun or Queen’s Another One Bites the Dust gets the job done, go with it. You never have to share this song with anyone, so it can be inappropriate or silly.  If it puts a smile on your face, it was a success — a smile is a bonus given what you’re going through.

I hope this post has helped you find a little joy in a season so intent on reminding you to find it. It’s there. I promise. It just might be lurking in an old Beatles song and not the newest rendition of Silent Night.

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Posted by admin on December 06, 2011 at 8:04 pm in Uncategorized. Tags: , , , , , , ,
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BYOT: Bring Your Own Topic

Inspired by the Elgin Salon, we’re holding our first BYOT on our one year anniversary. We’ve had some amazing salons and now we’re going to try and pack roughly seven topics into our regular time slot. We asked moms to offer up something that intrigued them. The format was up to them as long as it fit on one page. Questions, quotes, tweets, ads —  it was their choice.

It’ll be kind of like the speed-dating version of a salon with short time frames for each topic, which will be picked at random from a hat.

We received a real mishmash of issues and topics. We’ll likely only scratch the surface with most of them, but the hope is that we walk away with our minds hungry for more knowledge and conversation on each and the convos ignite again at home or work.

Without further ado and in no particular order:

Cherie J: How do we define gender?

“Gender is between your ears, not legs.” — Chaz Bono

Christine K: A teacher’s quote

“If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I’ll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.”

Kim D: How do we choose the best school in Ontario’s educational system?

There are many options for our young scholars: public and private schools, French immersion, christian schools and homeschooling. How do we decide what is right for our families?

Brooke M: The 2012 Phenomenon

Nostradamus and the Mayans have predicted that December 21, 2012 will be the end of the world. Do you think they’re right? Will a black hole appear and engulf the Earth? Will there be a nuclear war so devastating that it eliminates all species? You be the judge.

Jen M: An excerpt from My American Unhappiness by Dean Bakapolous

We have always loved stories, I think, it’s just that we, as a nation and perhaps as a human race, recently stopped loving stories about the other; we began to love stories only about ourselves. We love stories in which we are the protagonists in search of truth. I do not want to judge this. But my feeling is that we can cope with the increasing smallness, rapidness, and indifference of our changing, violent world only by seeing ourselves as noble characters caught in the struggle. We are all, as Turgenev so presciently said over a century ago, either Hamlets or Quixotes, and we must be these kinds of people if we are to endure.

We see ourselves in a struggle of epic, or at least interesting, magnitude, and so we go about documenting it ourselves, not waiting for some future historian, anthropologist, or novelist to find our tale and tell it for us. YouTube, MySpace, blogs—all of these things are ways for us to make ourselves protagonists on a very crowded, violent, and unjust stage.

Lisa G: Writing a love letter to myself.

The importance of loving yourself: It’s so easy as moms to forget ourselves while taking care of everyone else.  Let’s remind ourselves how awesome we are by writing love letters to ourselves.

Cheers!

Mme B and Mme J

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Posted by admin on October 28, 2011 at 12:27 am in Uncategorized. Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
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Mean Girls, Female Rivalry and Bullying

“And evil takes a human form in Regina George. Don’t be fooled because she may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing, slut-faced ho-bag, but in reality, she’s so much more than that.”

-Janis Ian, Mean Girls (2004)

In reality, we are all so much more than “that”. We’re complex beings and we owe it to ourselves and one another to take a deeper look at how some of our most rewarding and troublesome relationships can affect us, shape us and harm us. We’re talking about mean girls, female rivalry and bullying at our September salon. And not just the movie or the gossipy, bitches from high school or at the office, though what would be the fun of this night if we couldn’t gab about the biggest ho-bags in our lives, past and present?

We’ll discuss the darker side of the bullying by mean girls we’ve either felt, witnessed or been part of. Yes, I suspect very few of us can claim to have no mean girl tendencies, even if only thought of and not acted upon.

As moms, we may have even felt a new kind of bullying from mean moms or the cliquey groups that can develop among parents or mommy groups. As parents, we’re preparing our daughters and sons for a world where bullying and cyberbullying have the potential to impact the people they will become and even threaten their safety, as in the suicide of bullied teen Phoebe Prince.

We’ve pulled together a few resources for you and would love to hear your thoughts. There’s a lot more information available today than there was when we were in high school. Our hope is that this topic will help us be better friends, co-workers and parents.

Understanding Mean Girls

Mean Girls come in many forms. We see them in the movies and in our past and present. This blog post from Psych Your Mind makes some excellent points about what’s behind the mean girl facade, the people who enable them and the dark consequences of psychological and physical bullying. It’s also a great reference for films, books and real-life examples. We should all take note of number four for our salon discussion: We are all mean girls at times.

Queen Bees and Wannabes

For a lot of people, the movie Mean Girls was more than just a mind-numbingly entertaining video. It brought the somewhat taboo topic of female bullying into everyday conversation. In this video, The Politics of Girl World, author of Queen Bees and Wannabes, Rosalind Wiseman, dissects several different scenes from the movie and shares anecdotes and facts she’s learned through her research on teenage girls and boys. She explains her hopes for the film and her book, which are “to get girls talking” about this topic and to see what the “consequences” of their actions are, so that they can hopefully avoid situations like those in the movie.

How girls bully

Have you really ever asked yourself HOW girls bully? We all know about the physical element, which is so often displayed by our male counterparts, but what about the verbal and emotional parts? Girl bullies are known to be “quietly vicious” and their actions often go unnoticed by adults. So what exactly do girls do to hurt one another? This About.com article explains the fact that the older girls get, the more cerebral (and less physical) they become. Girls alienate, ostracize, harass, exclude and spread rumors about each other. And worst of all, they do it in packs.

Girl vs. Girl

Female rivalry is a little different than the traditional alpha female and clique scenario, but it can have similar psychological effects. In this Harper’s Bazaar article, author Naomi Wolf takes a look at the adult version of this rivalry in the film Black Swan and other adult female feuds in history. She asks us to bring this unflattering subject into the light to see how it affects our closest relationships, our careers and our ability to lead.

Happy Reading!

Mme B and Mme J

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Posted by admin on September 03, 2011 at 5:06 pm in Uncategorized. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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You say polygamy, I say monogamy.


One groom, four brides wedding cake topperThis month we’re talking about polygamy, the controversial and mostly illegal practice of marrying more than one person. With popular TV shows like HBO’s Big Love and TLC’s reality show Sister Wives, more and more people are talking about the pros and cons of this form of marriage. Some see it as an alternative to traditional monogamy the way gay marriage or common law relationships have challenged organized religion and the law. Others see it is a fundamentalist religious extreme, which impedes women’s rights and fosters abuse and child brides.

As monogamists, we’ve clearly chosen our preferred form of marriage, though I can’t be sure how our moms will react to this topic. At some point during the salon, we’d like to ask, “could you be a sister wife?”

While I think the reaction will mostly be no, we’re curious to know why. The reasons will likely vary and we look forward to debating and sharing them. To get the conversation started, here are a few articles that touch on some of the many facets of polygamy.

Polygamy in Canada

So much of the news coverage on polygamy comes from the U.S. and abroad, but what about polygamy on our home turf? I must admit that I wasn’t aware of the community of Bounty in B.C. or that there hasn’t been a successful prosecution for polygamy in Canada for more than 60 years. This CBC article gives a bit of the history in Canada and the current laws.

Polygamy, Bigamy and Polyamory: What’s the difference?

After a fair bit of searching, this was the best and least biased take on the differences between these three. I figured the one that gets down to the greek suffix “gamy” for marriage and the prefix “poly” for many was a good start. Some other terms worth noting: polyandry, polygyny, polyfidelity and non-monogamy. If you’re really a keener, you can find some interesting definitions from the Poly Amory Society.

Polygamy in the Media

Two popular TV shows have more people in North America talking about polygamy than ever before. Whether they agree with it or not, millions of viewers are tuning in to Sister Wives to see the “reality” of living in a polygamous marriage. Perhaps a glossy view of this outlawed form of marriage, read below to see the more contentious side of polygamy in the New York Times.

A Collection of Polygamy Articles from the New York Times

In case those charming sister wives had you shopping for your own wife, the NYT reminds us of the dark side of men having multiple wives. The Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints and Utah appear at the heart of many compounds, underage brides and sexual assault charges. Polygamy looks very different outside of North America. It is traditionalist practice in places such as South Africa, where president Jacob Zuma is a proponent of plural marriage. He has four wives and 20 children.

Mme J and Mme B

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Posted by admin on June 20, 2011 at 4:10 pm in Uncategorized. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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Parenting Taboos

Our May salon is a special one. We’ve invited the moms, mom-in-laws and what we’re calling “moms of choice” of our regular saloners to celebrate Mother’s Day. To keep things clear that first group will be the “first-gen moms” and we’ll be the “second-gen moms”, though I think we may have a great-grandma coming, which reorders everything. Younger and older, while true, just didn’t seem to fairly describe these women, plus it makes us sound tech savvy and hip.

Choosing a topic was a little tricky. We wanted something that would be interesting for different generations, but not too controversial or racy. We are, after all, talking in front of our own moms, who, like us, immaculately conceived, right?

We decided on the topic Parenting Taboos, which was inspired by the TED talk Let’s Talk Parenting Taboos by Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman. They are the husband and wife team behind the popular parenting website babble.com and parents to three young boys. This topic has so much potential for conversation that I fear we’ll be chatting until midnight. I suspect that we’ll hear a lot about how taboos have changed over the years. Thirty-plus years ago becoming a mom looked a lot different than it does today. Taboos of the 60s, 70s and 80s many not be so today, but I have a feeling that our generation has come up with a few of our own.

We’d like our guests to watch the video, which is why we’ve included it here. Griscom and Volkman are quite candid about their experiences and keep the topic light. They also have a pretty cute dynamic, which is fun to watch.

We’ve also provided additional articles on each of these topics on our articles page. As always, these articles are not mandatory. They are here if you’d like more info, but we have a feeling our moms are already well-versed in this content.

The four taboos covered are:
1) You can’t say you didn’t fall in love with your baby in the very first minute.
2) You can’t talk about how lonely having a baby can be.
3) You can’t talk about your miscarriage.
4) You can’t say that your average happiness has declined since having a child.

We’ve added a few more and hope our moms will feel free to add new ones as well.

5) Gender Disappointment
6) Career vs. Children
7) Breastfeeding vs. Formula-feeding

Please feel free to add your taboos to the comments and don’t forget to head over to the articles page for more reading.

Sincerely,

Mme B and Mme J

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Posted by admin on April 15, 2011 at 1:06 am in Uncategorized. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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A Practical and Philosophical Salon

Our Living Simpler in a Complex World salon has expanded my world twofold. I’ve been reading and thinking about what it means to live simply in a world growing in complexity and I’ve also made small steps — I’m talkin’ tiny — to change my everyday ways to achieve a more relaxed, focused life.

The goal of the salons was always to challenge our moms with thought-provoking topics and great conversation. I don’t have any doubts that March’s salon will do this, but I am pleasantly surprised that we are also accomplishing a practical kind of learning. The idea that our salons can do both is very exciting.

The actual salon is going to be all talk, but my hope is that it has inspired some action behind the talk. I’ve been making an effort to eat through my fridge and pantry before shopping again. I hate to admit it, but we can be pretty wasteful with our food. Good intentions last much longer than defrosted meat. I’ve also been much more efficient with my time. Blocking off time for the Internet and not checking email, twitter and Facebook constantly has been tough, but I’m thankful for it. Focusing on single activities versus multi-tasking has left me far less scatterbrained.

When imagining our salons, the idea was to avoid practical, how-to type evenings. The idea that a Tupperware party was supposed to be mom’s night out is terrifying. Making meals while drinking wine with other moms or doing a craft can be fun, but these salons aren’t meant to check off a to-do item. Unless, of course, your list includes 1) explore new ideas 2) engage in meaningful conversation. There shouldn’t be a hearty stew to take home to the hubby and kids or a Martha-esque seasonal wreath to impress your neighbours. Those nights have their place in a mom’s social calendar, but these nights are supposed to be way more selfish and cerebral.

You might be thinking: who has time to sit around and talk? Or, what’s her beef with stew and Martha? The answers are we should all make the time, I love stew and I can’t get into the Martha thing. That requires another post.

But I’ve digressed. My point is that I’m happy to have found a nice balance between the practical and philosophical and hope to find this combo in future topics. Perhaps a nice stew recipe to go with buying local or vegetarianism, or a talk on the pressure to be a renaissance woman while monogramming vintage tea towels for shower presents — oops, there was a hint at the future Martha post.

Look for our post-salon review and our May topic in a couple of days.

Cheers!
Mme J

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Posted by admin on March 10, 2011 at 6:55 pm in Uncategorized. 0 people commented.

A Little Dose of Inspiration

I had no plans to post today, but then I watched Madeleine Albright: On being a woman and a diplomat on TED.com and I had to share. It left me feeling so good that a simple retweet or ‘like’ on Facebook just wouldn’t do.

I recommend you watch it for a little inspiration. There are days when being a woman can be tough. There’s often depressing stories in the news about the lack of gender equality in the workforce,  dismal statistics on abuse and fear for women’s safety around the world. And then there are interviews and stories about women like Albright who are fighting for us with ferocity and a sense of humour.

This video really is a must-watch for men and women, especially if they are in a position of leadership. As a moms, we need to count ourselves as leaders, even if it feels like our little charges don’t want to be led.

Albright has many critics and I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t been following her career. I’m sure she has made political decisions that I would not agree with, but she has also been a part of many good decisions that have benefited women.

I love that she’s a hardcore politician AND a gentle, sassy woman. She also reminds me of my Grandma, so she gets automatic bonus points.

If you’re still debating whether or not to watch the video, here’s why you should:

  • Madeleine Albright is a pioneer. She was a working mom long before it was the norm. She faced criticism from other women for her choices and is now a strong believer that women need to support other women.
  • Albright is funny and accessible. Probably the thing I most admire  is her ability to talk about serious and complex  issues and still remain soft spoken. It makes you want to listen where other’s bitterness would have you hitting the mute button.
  • You’ll never underestimate the power of accessories again. Albright’s famous pins are on a museum tour for more than being pretty. These carefully chosen broaches have packed political punch in negotiations as the former US secretary of state.
  • It’s 13 minutes, commercial-free and you could listen and do something else at the same time. If you’re really hard-pressed for time, multitask with something mind-numbing like folding laundry. No complex math problems, okay?

Enjoy!

Mme J

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Posted by admin on March 03, 2011 at 2:32 am in Uncategorized. Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
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Living Simpler in a Complex World

Our March Salon will tackle the idea of Living Simpler in a Complex World, which has implications on many levels. On a practical level we can take the approach of simplifying our lives in order to be more efficient or find peace of mind. Zen-like habits, decluttering our homes and living with minimal possessions have numerous psychological and spiritual benefits.

If we zoom out and look beyond a Western World filled with jam-packed pantries, cheaply made clothes and disorderly closets, there are global implications to slowing down and finding simplicity in our busy lives. In other terms: living simply so that others may simply live.

We’ve compiled a few resources for our moms to browse. It’s not mandatory and we won’t quiz you, so read as little or as much as you’d like. Gold stars for moms who incorporate simple living into their own homes may be in order.

Wikipedia: Simple Living
Wikipedia is a always a nice place to start the conversation. Here you’ll find jumping points for sustainable living, secular and religious viewpoints, anti-consumerism and increasing self-sufficiency.

Zenhabits: Smile, Breathe and Go Slowly
Blogger and Author Leo Babauta promotes simplicity in a chaotic world by providing very practical steps to achieving a more zen-like existence. He’s also made a large portion of his book Focus available for free to download.

Rowdy Kittens: Social Change Through Simple Living
Another blogger and author passionate about living simply, Tammy Strobel writes about living car-free, entrepreneurship and downsizing. In a recent post titled The No-Refrigerator Challenge she notes that “the average American throws away about 197 pounds of food every year.” Yikes! Her two books, Smalltopia and Simply Car-free, sound inspiring.

ABC Special: Are Today’s Kids Too Busy?
Have parents taken scheduling activities to an extreme? This short video looks at this controversial topic and suggests that many families do it to simply to “keep up with the Joneses”. Dr. Lisa Thornton outlines some of the warning signs to look for when trying to establish a balance between free-time and scheduled activities.

My Simpler Life: Creating a Saner, Simpler Life
Becoming consumed in materialism starts at a very young age. Here, mom blogger Beth, talks about practical tips on how to “tame” materialism when it comes to your child. A quick and easy read, this short article delves into the topic of teaching your children that brand-name clothing is a waste of money and that commercials are just about getting you to buy a product.

Mme J and Mme B

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Posted by admin on February 16, 2011 at 6:04 pm in Articles. Tags: , , , , , , ,
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